I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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