Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
