She said her name was "party"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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