Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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