shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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