it wasn't lemon gatorade
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
