True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
