half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
