um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
