So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
