she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
