Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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