my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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