i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
