i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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