I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
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