my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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