There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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