i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
