i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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