Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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