all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
