I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
