There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
