the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
