ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
