Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
