Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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