Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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