I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
