Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
