when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
