I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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