sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
