You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
