i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
