Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just high enough for therapy.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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