I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
