Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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