I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
