I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
