She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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