I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
