I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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