Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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