Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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