bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
