....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It was confusing and full of hummus
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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