I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
