have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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