TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
