I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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