Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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